Christmas songs: The good and the completely unbearable

Christmas songs. Whether you like them or not, there's simply no escaping them at this time of year. Every TV channel, radio station, bar, restaurant and shopping mall has some version of a Christmas classic, usually being murdered by a forgotten-about winner of a certain and now-defunct talent competition (Thank Christ), blaring out unashamedly for all to hear. From mid-November through until New Year's Day, your sanity is at the mercy of those who own the airwaves and those looking to capitalise on what is first and foremost a religious day. Merry Christmas.

Now, we know what you're thinking, 'Baa Humbug' but we ain't no group of Scrooge's here at Skiddle. Uh-uh, no sir. In fact, we love this time of year! And, being a business that operates within the music industry, we love Christmas records! Just not the shitty ones...

Everyone has their favourites and, equally, their least favourites - the ones they can't stand to endure for more than a few seconds. The general public opinion, especially when concerning Christmas records, is quite polarized like that. Songs are either good or burn it with fire, throw it in the sea and ban it from public consumption forever, bad.

'But what makes a good Christmas record? Which songs make the grade and live up to this most magical time of year and which ones make you wish you were deaf? - We are so glad you asked...

Below, we've listed a handful of well-known Christmas tunes, ranking them from downright awful to the greatest of all time. Have a browse and see what you think.

(Side note - These are our opinions, there will be no Mariah sodding Carey found here, and we don't care if you like Band Aid's 'Do They Know It's Christmas'. It's trash) 

 

 

10. Gary Barlow and Sheridan Smith - How Christmas is Supposed To Be

Kicking things off with a new addition to the ever-growing list of forgettable festive records... Captain boring and Jane McDonald 2.0 in training have teamed up to serve you a glistening yuletide log of a Christmas track. Obviously, a scheme to bring in the streaming royalties (a flawed one at that), the song has minimal-to-no qualities which would see it categorised it a Christmas record. Except maybe the token jingle bells that run throughout. Otherwise, it's just another Take That track, isn't it?

Please Gazza. We're down on our knee's here, begging for release. Stop making music.  

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9. Tiny Tim - Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS This Year

Well... Where to start with this one. We probably don't really need to say a whole lot about it. It's not good, we can say that, but it's also still definitely not as bad as Gary Barlow and Sheridan Smith's attempt. We need someone to rework this into 'Santa has got the Omicron this year', just to bring it up to date. It would probably sell really well. 

 

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8. John Denver - Please, Daddy (Don't Get Drunk on Christmas)

Nothing quite says Christmas like a song about substance abuse and emotional childhood trauma. Keep your sweet and fluffy songs about Mistletoe, reindeer and presents, we want to hear about a mullered father figure steaming through the front door in the early hours of Christmas morning, honking in the stockings and passing out face first under the Christmas tree. Oh yes, John Denver really went there.

Fancy bringing down the mood at your family Christmas gathering this year? Stick this on and crank it up. Not a dry eye in the house. 

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7. Maroon 5 - Happy Christmas (War Is Over)

A prison sentence should have been handed to Adam Levine and his crew of dastardly Christmas classic destroying clowns. We've got to give it to them though, they've got some balls to even consider that they might be able to match the grandeur of John Lennon's 'War is Over'.

Piece of friendly advice here for all the other half-assed pop stars out there looking to make a quick buck covering a masterpiece - Just don't do it. Ever. 

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6. Justin Beaver (or whatever he's called) - Mistletoe

Pre-pubescent teen steals the sound of Jason Mraz, with added sleigh bells. Next!  

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5. Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas

For those of you young enough not to know the purpose of this gathering of iconic pop stars - the likes of U2's Bono, Paul McCartney of the Beatles and David Bowie - Band Aid was an attempt to raise funds for anti-famine aid efforts in Ethiopia back in the 1980s. Yes, the song helped to raise over two hundred million in sales revenue, but that doesn't mean it's a good song. In fact, it's actually really quite bad.

Lyrically, it's a disaster. There's a good few lines about the African nation and its plight in the 80s that are either completely wrong or just plain stupid. Take the title of the track - 'Do They Know It's Christmas' - for example. Of course the Ethiopians knew it was Christmas! It's one of the oldest Christian nations on the planet. They celebrate the proper Christmas, the one that marks the birth of the son of God. Not the one featuring a clinically obese dude in a red suit getting about on reindeer.

We could go on, there's a lot to pick at. Even the song's writer himself, Sir Bob Geldof of the Boomtown Rats, once said, "I am responsible for two of the worst songs in history. One of them is ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?'".

(Keep an eye out for Paul Weller in the video above, who certainly looks like he doesn't want to be there. Hilarious) 

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4. Slade - Merry Christmas Everybody

The song that keeps a roof over Noddy Holder's head, reportedly bringing in half a million pounds in royalties each year, Slade's gold platinum-selling single, 'Merry Christmas Everybody' is a masterclass in how Christmas songs should be done. It's upbeat, the lyrics make sense (a hard task apparently *cough* Band Aid), there's an abundance of sleigh bells and the chorus literally has 'Merry Christmas' in it. An old school pearl that never gets old. 

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3. The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)

A cheeky entrant on our list of good and bad/naughty and nice, 'Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)' by English glam rock band, The Darkness reminds us all that Christmas is a time for having fun. It also tells us that if you're smart enough and committed to your cause, you can break into the top of the charts with a song that blatantly references the tip of the male genitalia. 

Justin Hawkins, the legend that he is, was later interviewed about getting 'Christmas Time' to number two on the UK charts back in 2003. He said, "We managed to get bellend into a Christmas song without it getting banned!”. A modern-day hero.

Check out the song's amazing music video above and see Hawkins spread out in front of a fire in a cosy wood cabin, sporting some rather dazzling leggings and not much else.

 

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2. The Pogues - The Fairytale of New York

Picking our top two favourite Christmas tracks has been no easy feat. Following a couple of drunken office showdowns (we're kidding, there was no booze involved) and some heated, unfriendly and very unfestive word exchanges, we've arrived at our top two choices.

In second place, it's The Pogues with their now controversial Christmas offering, 'The Fairytale of New York'.

Questioned for its appropriateness in today's society, for its inclusion of a handful of derogatory terms, the track has now been revisited and reworked so that fans can still enjoy the songs amazing arrangement and story via the radio and other mainstream channels. 

We love this track for its anything-but-Christmas vibe. It's a song about shattered dreams, failed relationships and ending up in a cell on the eve of the big day after a few too many whiskeys. But it's still got those high moments. A few little flickers of optimism and joy. It's the perfect remedy to all the other sickly sweet Christmas records out there.

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1. Wizzard - I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday 

 

It just had to be. You can't listen to Wizzard's 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday' without getting all those warm, fuzzy and festive feelings inside. It's impossible! You know when this comes on post-Christmas dinner that things are going to get wild. Christmas cracker party hat adorning oldies, sidestepping in the lounge, bucks fizz or baileys sloshing about. We live for these scenes! 

This track was heading for chart-topping glory back in 1973, only to be halted and pipped to the top spot by non-other than fellow Midlands band, Slade, with their aforementioned Christmas hit, 'Merry Christmas Everybody. Still, we think Wizzard is the deserved winner of this contest. 

Working from home? Click play on the video above, get up and get into the Christmas spirit! Only three days to go...

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That concludes our list of good and shockingly bad Christmas anthems. We hope you enjoyed our run down and that you agreed with all of our choices. Because we're right, you're wrong and your opinions don't count. Merry Christmas everybody!

 

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