This guide is by no means comprehensive, but here are just a few bits of advice to help you get the most out of your festival experience this summer.
Get a bigger erection
The bigger your tent (well what did you think we meant?), the more comfortable your festival experience will be. If you can’t get your hands on a mansion tent with separate compartments – or can’t be arsed to put one up – make sure that your smaller tent at least has a porch area for muddy wellies, bits of rubbish and food and drink supplies. Keep your bedroom area clean and dry, so no matter how cold, wet and grumpy you get you’ll always have a clean, cosy den to return to.
Get your pitch right
You may think that pitching up near a path will make it easier to find your tent at night, or that camping near to the loos will be convenient, but just mentally fast forward 24 hours to when you’re lying there breathing in toilet fumes and trying to sleep while people trudge past your tent speaking VERY LOUDLY about WHAT A FUCKING RUSH THAT MDMA WAS and how they’re LITERALLY GOING TO HAVE A FALAFEL TOMORROW. Choose a pitch deep in the middle of the campsite, and stick a flag on top to guide you home.
Take a spare battery
Yes, your phone will probably die – especially if it’s doubling up as a camera. Thankfully this is 2012 and you can get a spare battery or two off eBay, or a portable battery extender for iPhones – so you’ll have plenty of juice for the festival.
Take a wee jug
Ladies. Avoid annoying, treacherous middle of the night toilet trips and the morning queues at the portaloos by taking your own indoor lav (strictly Number Ones only). Pick up a cheap plastic funnel, a cheap plastic jug, and hey presto you have your own in-tent loo. Just be careful not to splash. And when you’ve done your business, just pour it on the grass outside. Not directly outside your door, mind.
Take something warm
Even if you’re blessed with sunshine during the day, this is England and it WILL get nippy at night. Take a warm hoody or jacket with you for the evening, so that you can enjoy the headline acts and late night shenanigans without whinging about the cold.
Always, always take wellies
If you’re going to a UK festival, plan for rain. Because, freakish heatwaves excepted, that’s what you’ll get. Especially if you don't take wellies. Don’t take Ugg boots (well why would you), suede shoes or espadrilles - unless you mind them getting permanently brown.
Keep the mud to a minimum
Woo hoo it’s muddy! Let’s all splash about in it! That will be hilarious! Yes, for about five minutes. And then you’ll spend the rest of the day looking and feeling like a big, itchy, disgusting mud monster who nobody will want to hang out with. Don’t do it.
Leave the all-in-one at home
Playsuits, jumpsuits and other all-in-one outfits may look nice in magazine 'festival fashion' pieces, but just think how you’’ll feel when you have to strip it all off and hover naked over a revolting portaloo in the dark. That floral playsuit won’t be so cute when it’s been dipped in the smelly waste of your fellow festival-goers.
Keep a clean change of clothes
Nobody wants to be faced with the prospect of a five hour journey home in muddy wet clothes, so leave a clean outfit, a fresh pair of socks and some shoes in the car to change into at the end of the festival. Trust us, it’s the closest feeling to being wrapped in a warm fluffy towel by your mum than you’re ever likely to experience.
Words: Jayne Robinson
Originally published: 20th Jun 2011